you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
