Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
