i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
