i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
