Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
