I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
