Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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