she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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