What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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