i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
worst night to have a conscience
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
bring money and cleavage
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
