I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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