There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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