haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
