and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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