All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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