Your face is a jimmy john
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
