Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
