I wish I could punch you in the face.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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