He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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