I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
