I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
