I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
