I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
whose parrot is this?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
