Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
