my phone needs a breathalizer
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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