the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
