my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
