OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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