grandma shit on top of the toilet
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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