dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
