you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
