You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Did I show you my penis last night?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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