I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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