Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
