So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
