remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
