I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
