his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
