i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
