she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
