Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
