just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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