We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
