I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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