Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
