Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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