I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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