plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
