the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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