I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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