Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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